


If Only

by pvtSMR



Category: Dragonriders of Pern - Anne McCaffrey
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, F/M, Flashbacks, Friendship in Old Age, Reminiscing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 10:01:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13051740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pvtSMR/pseuds/pvtSMR
Summary: Many turns after the Sixth Pass, Moreta is considering what was and what might have been.





	If Only

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Merfilly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merfilly/gifts).



> Hello, Yuletide recipient! I hope you enjoy this alternate history of Moreta's time. I've used dates based on the pern.srellim.org/time timeline.

_**Fort Weyr, 1.18.1573, Interval** _

_Why are you so concerned?_ Orlith's eyes whirled softly, a yellow tinge to their normal green. _You are not hurt by the cold._

_No, no. Just a feeling, that's all. I'm sure talking it over with A'san and Rill will stop my worrying_. Moreta continued oiling Orlith's aging skin.

A few minutes passed in peace before Orlith spoke again. _Subath wants to know what is upsetting you._ A'san's bronze dragon, across the weyr, also had a concerned look, gazing at Moreta with yellow eyes.

Moreta ignored the comment. _Ask Subath if A'san is coming soon._

_He is with Rill. They are returning._

Just as Orlith stopped talking, the door to the weyr opened, and Rill and A'san came in. Unsurprisingly, each was carrying a skin of Benden white from A'san's private hidden stash. Rill also carried fellis juice.

Moreta set down the oil and put out a hand as if to stop her. "Now, Rill, I don't need any fellis. I'm fine."

"Nonsense, Moreta." Nerilka matter-of-factly started preparing the medicine. "You're turns older now than Leri was on her last ride. I swear I can hear you creaking."

Moreta smiled wistfully. "It was all I could do to keep Leri from taking too much fellis."

"She was a woman who generally preferred to be comfortable. You prefer to keep working yourself to the bone."

"That's not true!"

_Yes, it is_ , the dragons said in unison.

A'san laughed. "It's a full turn and more that you've not been Weyrwoman, and yet you still seem to be involved everywhere I look. If you're going to keep that up, at least take a little fellis. It'll keep you from falling apart at the seams, anyway."

Moreta grimaced but took the dram from Rill anyway and tossed it back in one go. "There. Happy, all of you?" She brightened. "Now, I think it's high time for that Benden white."

The winter wind was howling around the walls of Fort Weyr. Rill shivered as she took a cup of wine from A'san. "I must say, I'm very glad you moved into this Weyr when Orlith didn't rise. It was far too drafty in your old Weyrwoman's apartment."

A'san stoked the fire before settling down. "I completely agree. Besides, two dragons make it very cozy in here."

Moreta leaned against Orlith as she took her first sips of wine. "It is a comfortable room,"she agreed. Rill and A'san launched back into their conversation from their walk, but Moreta wasn't paying any attention, mulling over her own thoughts.

"Moreta? What do you think?" Of course they would ask her to weigh in. She turned to Rill sheepishly. "I'm sorry. I wasn't paying any attention. What do I think about what?"

A'san waved her off. "It doesn't matter." He shook his head. "What's got you so distracted lately? As soon as you don't have a task to hand, you drift away." Subath's eyes whirled, betraying the worry beneath A'san's lighthearted manner.

"It's just a strange feeling I've been having. Maybe it's from growing old, or getting used to living in this weyr, but I can't help but feel this..." Moreta struggled to describe it. "It's a tugging, or a nagging, or a tingling, that I've cheated fate somehow. That I shouldn't be here, living the comfortable life of an old woman. That I wasn't supposed to make it this far." Moreta frowned and took a long drink of wine. "It sounds awfully morbid when I say it out loud."

_You should be alive. I am alive_ , Orlith admonsished. Moreta again chose not to respond. Instead, she waited for Rill and A'san to weigh in. "I don't know. Am I really alone in feeling this way?"

A'san drained his cup before speaking. "No, you're not alone. I've felt that way for a very long time - since Impressing, actually. You know that I very nearly didn't even get the chance to go to Subath's Hatching."

Rill and Moreta exchanged a look of fond exasperation. There was no stopping him when he wanted to tell his favorite story. But it had never occurred to Moreta that he'd feel the same way as she did now. She settled in to listen to him with new ears.

_**Ruatha Hold, Sixth Pass, 5.2.33** _

Lord Leef had been told the Search rider would be coming today. He had not, however, expected the blue rider to be accompanied by a brown. "Very irregular," he muttered under his breath, until he saw that the brown rider was L'fan, his half-brother. "Oh, it's just L'fan," he said out loud to his son Alessan, who was standing with him. "I wonder if this is a friendly visit or business."

Young Alessan just shrugged and stood there beside his father, straight and focused, just like he had been taught. On the other side of Lord Leef stood Alessan's older brother, slouching and staring off into the distance. Privately, he agreed with his father that his brother didn't give much honor to the Ruathan bloodline, carelessly meandering through his life. But, his brother was his brother, and Alessan would be himself. So he straightened up even more as the dragons landed and their riders swung down and bowed to the lord of Ruatha Hold.

"Lord Leef, a pleasure to see you and all your people in good health," the blue rider greeted him formally. "My name is D'wan, Garenth's rider. I come on Search. Holth's clutch is a large one."

"I welcome you, blue rider," Lord Leef replied. "All my young people are here on the gather grounds. Do whatever you wish." He turned to his half-brother. "What brings you here, L'fan?"

L'fan stepped forward and took Leef's hand. "It is good to see you. I have some messages from Igen and Ista for you, about trade, and from the Masterherder in Keroon on the question of different lineages of runnerbeast. But please, I have plenty of time. There is no hurry."

Meanwhile the blue rider had stepped back and let his dragon walk closer to the gathered crowd of older boys and girls from the hold. It only took a minute for him to identify one girl, near the front, and look her right in the eye to tempt her to come forward. He nuzzled at her as she stepped closer.

"Her, Garenth? All right. What's your name?"

"Inda." She seemed shy but brave and unafraid of the dragon.

"Well, Inda, have you ever been a-dragonback before?"

"No, sir."

"There's a first time for everything. You wait over there, all right?" D'wan turned back to his dragon, who was still sweeping his head back and forth, as if he still sensed someone who might Impress a dragon. D'wan's face went blank for a moment as he spoke in his mind with his dragon, and then he turned to Lord Leef and bowed.

"My lord, my dragon has another candidate he wishes to bring with us."

Lord Leef huffed. "Well, bring the youth forward!"

"My lord, Garenth wants your son, Alessan."

Lord Leef actually took a step backwards. His voice became low and dangerous. "No. Under no circumstances will Alessan be Searched."

"My lord, Garenth is very adamant that he wants Alessan." The dragon's eyes showed distress, as he looked from his rider to Alessan and back again. "He is a very likely candidate."

Lord Leef could be a very commanding personage when he wanted to be, and now was one of those times. Just because he hadn't officially announced Alessan as his heir did not mean that he did not intend it to be so. His eldest son didn't have the temperament to lead a hold of ten people, let alone proud Ruatha. Alessan, on the other hand, would make a fine lord holder, once he grew out of his carefree nature a bit. _He'd make a fine weyrleader, too_ , Leef found himself thinking. But that would never do. Ruatha needed Alessan, he was sure of it.

Lord Leef took a few steps forward of Alessan, leaning to take advantage of his height, and thundered as if he needed to be heard by a hundred riders fighting Thread. "My son Alessan is very important to the future of Ruatha. You may take any other person from my hold; you may take EVERY other person from my hold; but Alessan stays."

D'wan wasn't sure what to do. He wasn't very old, just past being a weyrling himself, and he was only a blue rider, not used to having authority. Garenth began making a noise of uncertainty as his worry fed off of that of his rider.

L'fan saw what was happening and stepped near Lord Leef. "My lord? A word?" Leef shot him a look that could char Thread, but he nodded and motioned for them to step to one side.

Those were the most tense few minutes of Alessan's young life. As soon as his father had stepped away, he made eye contact with D'wan as if to say, I really do want to come with you. D'wan caught the look and nodded sympathetically. That calmed the dragon somewhat, and with Lord Leef no longer looming over the gathering, the mood lightened considerably. But for Alessan, the future of his life hung in the balance of what L'fan might be saying to Leef. He shifted from foot to foot and bit his thumbnail, waiting.

Ten minutes of negotiations passed. The tension was palpable and fed by the nervous murmurs of the crowd. Gradually, Alessan realized that his father wasn't raging anymore, and was grudgingly nodding at whatever L'fan was saying. When Lord Leef turned back and strode toward Alessan, quiet fell. Even the dragons were silent, and watched the proceedings with whirling eyes.

Lord Leef reached out for Alessan's shoulder and pulled him around to face him, but spoke loudly enough for the crowd to hear. "Alessan, would you rather be a dragonrider than Lord Holder? Think carefully." Leef's face was fixed in a neutral, stony gaze.

Alessan frowned and stayed silent, dropping his eyes to the ground. He knew perfectly well that his father intended to make him the next leader of Ruatha. His training was not formal yet, only in pointed questions and invitations to watch proceedings around the hold, but it was enough to be quite clear. He enjoyed following his father through his daily routine, learning all the workings of the hold.

But to be a dragonrider! He had dreamed of being one, but Alessan had never dared to hope it might happen, though he knew that there had been many riders from Ruatha. His imagination ran away with him, and he thought of what it might be like to be a weyrleader someday. All his training here would certainly help him. He liked the idea of protecting the people of Pern from deadly Threadfall.

After a minute, Alessan looked his father in the eye. "If a dragon chooses me, then I'm meant to be a dragonrider, aren't I? And if I don't Impress, then I'll come home and it will be as if none of this ever happened. Please, Father, I want to go."

"L'fan said you'd say that," Leef grumbled. He paused and drew a long breath, and then continued. "I will let you go, under certain conditions."

Alessan couldn't believe his ears, and his mouth fell open. His father ignored his astonishment.

"If you Impress, I will negotiate with the weyr to make sure you can still fulfill a number of duties for Ruatha. You are still needed here. I have not changed my mind on that." His face was still stern, but his eyes began twinkling. "You have the pride of Ruatha riding on your shoulders. Never forget that."

_**Fort Weyr, 2.18.1573, Interval** _

A'san finished his story, then walked over to sit by Moreta and put his arm around her. "How would we ever have met, my love, if I had been Lord Holder of Ruatha? We'd have had nothing but official visits and formal events." He kissed her cheek. "How could this not be the way it always was meant to be?"

Moreta patted him on the knee. "There are plenty of logical explanations to allay my fears, A'san. This is not a matter of the head, but the heart."

A'san cocked his head to the side, thinking. "Well, whose heart would you have had, Moreta? Who might you have wed instead of me?"

Moreta leaned to scratch Orlith's eye ridge. "If you hadn't been waiting for me, dear heart," she said to Orlith, "I'd have gone to study at the Beastcrafthall alongside Talpan. It had already been decided." She smiled wistfully. "He was a good friend. And handsome," she added, winking at A'san.

_**Keroon, Sixth Pass, 5.25.23 - 1530** _

Moreta dashed after Talpan toward the runnerbeast pasture, into the brightness of the rising sun. "Come on!" Talpan was yelling. "She's foaled!"

Talpan hadn't gotten his full growth yet. Moreta was a hand taller than he. His legs, however, were as long as hers, and they raced neck and neck to the field where the mare stood, licking her colt foal as he fumbled to stay standing. "See? Isn't he gorgeous?"

Moreta had to agree that the foal was a beautiful creature. He would be a fine trader's beast someday, bred for stamina and strength. He was made all the more beautiful in that the breeding was Talpan and Moreta's idea.

Talpan's father, Dalan, the holder of this small beasthold in Keroon, followed them up to the pasture. "You've done well, you two. I'd never have thought of that stallion for her, but look at the little fellow they produced." He came closer to the mare, who let him feel her foal all over, breaking it to human touch. "You are a fine thing, aren't you?" he whispered to it, nodding approvingly. Out loud, he continued, "Yes, you're going to do well with Moreta and Talpan teaching you, you'll see. Finest care aside from the Masterherder himself."

Moreta and Talpan grinned from ear to ear. They knew perfectly well they had their work cut out for them to train the foal to Dalan's high standards, but he actually thought they could do it, which was enough. Once it had grown to a horse worth selling, he'd allow them to go on to study at the Beastcrafthall. Neither could wait for that day.

Dalan stood from the foal and wiped his hands on his shirt. "You're about ready, you know. I'll not have such fine helpers in a couple turns. What am I going to do without you?"

Moreta giggled. "You'll have to do your own work, I guess," she teased the good-natured Dalan. Talpan laughed. Dalan just grabbed them by the shoulders and started marching them back toward the hold. "Now, leave the mare to do her job, and go eat your breakfast."

Dalan was serious about getting them ready for their apprenticeships. They were bright and talented, and there wasn't any reason for them not to arrive with every bit of knowledge he could give them. Dalan had always had a knack for the healing of runnerbeasts, and he wanted to make sure they knew everything he did, knowing that it was useful even if they didn't go for their journeyman knots. So as soon as their breakfast was finished, he set them to preparing bandages for a runner whose leg had been cut, and quizzed them on numbweed.

Talpan spent the morning watching Moreta work. She had a definite talent for the healing side of herding, and he loved watching the way she assisted Dalan in cleaning and dressing the runner's bloody foreleg. He caught himself staring, and blushed furiously, but luckily she was concentrating on her work and didn't notice. _Idiot_ , he thought, _she's not interested in being more than friends. Calm down._

In the afternoon, Moreta and Talpan were left to spell the usual herder while he ran an errand to the adjacent hold. They sat on a rock, watching the runnerbeasts graze. Talpan was rambling on about their next breeding project, but Moreta wasn't really paying attention. She was watching the way his face lit up when he got excited about a plan, the way he talked with his hands, the way the sunlight was sparkling in his eyes. _Oh, come on,_ she admonished herself. _He's not ready for that sort of attention. He is growing awfully handsome, though. Maybe at the next Gather..._ She let her imagination wander off.

Her reverie and his explanations were abruptly cut off when a blue dragon appeared in the sky above the hold. They jumped to their feet, astonished. Dragons didn't come to minor holds. What was he doing here? The runners, luckily, weren't bothered by the dragon flying overhead and down to an open spot nearer the hold itself. Several of their brood mares had pulled carts to major Holds and Weyrs before, and their disinterest calmed the ones who had never seen such a creature before.

"Come on, let's go see what's going on!" Moreta grabbed Talpan's hand and pulled him to his feet. She held his hand as she started running, dragging him behind her, oblivious to the redness creeping across his face. From his vantage, he saw that her face was also flushed, more than their mad dash should account for. _Well, maybe, after all..._

All their thoughts of each other were forgotten when, as they approached the hold, the dragon abruptly swung its great head around towards them, and looked straight at Moreta, eyes sparkling blue.

_The dragon wants_ me _? It can't be_.

But they heard, as they drew within earshot of the blue rider, "I think I know why I came here now. Her name is Moreta, you said?"

She stopped dead in her tracks and dropped Talpan's hand in her astonishment. He stepped beside her and, with a burst of courage, put his arm around her shoulder. She leaned into the touch, and mumbled, half to herself, half to him, "I suppose dragons are beasts, too, eh?"

_**Fort Weyr, 2.18.1573, Interval** _

Moreta fell into silence.

"And he died in the plague," Rill said matter-of-factly.

Moreta nodded. "Like so many." She held out her cup for A'san to refill, and drank half of it in one swallow. For a minute, the only sound was the wind outside. "If I'd stayed at the Beastcrafthall, I might well have died, too. I'd have seen the creature from the Southern Continent for myself, I'm sure."

Rill held her cup to A'san for a refill as well. He filled her cup, topped off his own, then shook the skin, and with a grim smile, drank the last swallow straight from it. "All gone for tonight, I'm afraid." He tossed the skin onto a table.

Rill was gazing into her wine, taking a moment to pull together her disparate thoughts. "There was no rhyme or reason in that time, Moreta. Tolocamp" – she spit her father's name without any title – "got what was coming to him eventually, but he certainly had undeserved happiness until then. My mother and sisters had, by all accounts, a wonderful time at the gather, but paid the price for attending. And I got opportunities I had hardly dreamed of, that I'm certain I didn't earn. The plague mixed many fortunes."

_**Fort Weyr, Sixth Pass, 3.22.43** _

A'san was bringing Nerilka to Fort Weyr so she might seek a position, but that didn't mean they had to skip seeing the clutch that Orlith was so proud of. After all, Rill had become friends with Oklina, who had been Searched for the queen egg that was warming on the sands this very moment.

_Subath, tell Orlith we'd like to come visit_ , A'san asked.

A moment later, Subath replied. _Orlith says Moreta and Leri are arguing. She asks if you can calm them down. They should not be upsetting the eggs._

"Hurry a bit, Rill," A'san said aloud. "I think our clear heads are required."

Rill didn't ask, just sped her lengthy gait. Moreta and Leri caught sight of the pair approaching as they steadily picked their way across the sands. Their intense whispered conversation abruptly ceased.

"A'san! You've brought a friend," Moreta called to them.

"This is Rill. Rill, this is Moreta and Leri."

"Pleased to meet you," Rill said. She squirmed a little as a flash of recognition shone in Leri's eyes, but Moreta took no notice of it. Leri gave a small nod of understanding, which put Rill back at ease.

A'san straightened, suddenly all business. "Subath had a – how shall I say – worrying message from Orlith when we arrived." Moreta and Leri looked away, but A'san continued without pretense. "What's the problem?" He glanced at Rill, who was inching away as if to leave. "You may be able to help us see a new angle on this. Please, stay. Now, Moreta?"

It took only a brief explanation of the behavior of the Telgar Weyrleader M'tani to get Rill caught up on the problem. It took a briefer explanation of dragons' abilities to jump time as well as space to get her caught up on the solution. Only one sentence was needed to get the new arrivals up to speed on the argument.

"Moreta insists she be the one to go, on my Holth."

Moreta looked as if she was beginning to say something, then stopped. A'san, not sure where to stand on this matter, mumbled something incomprehensible.

_A practical head really is needed here_ , Rill thought to herself. _All right, then. I can do that._ "Why?"

Leri and Moreta looked away from one another. Moreta spoke. "Leri has been so sore, and it will take so many jumps _between_ that I'm afraid the cold would become too much to bear. Orlith is here with her clutch, but Holth is healthy. I've been riding her all over Pern on other matters already. Besides, the area left is Keroon, and I grew up there. I know where all the small holds are tucked away."

Leri didn't speak, so Rill prodded her. "Leri? Why?"

"My dear, I'm just an old woman now, sunning myself with dragons and living off of fellis juice. My greatest contributions to curing the plague came from sitting comfortably in front of a fire with piles of old records. I know I have it in me to help with this journey. And I will _not"_ \- she glared toward Moreta - "retire to Ista until I've become useless, which I am _not_."

Rill answered without a second thought. "Go together."

Moreta and Leri looked at each other in surprise, then back at Rill.

Rill shook her head. "Not just you two. A'san, you too."

In the past few days, Nerilka had left Fort Weyr in disguise to work hard for the sick. She'd stared down a Lord Holder and worked at the side of Masterhealer Capiam. She'd become friendly with Weyrleader A'san and even gone _between_ on the back of his dragon. Everything seemed possible now, even Moreta, Weyrwoman of Fort, taking her blunt advice. _I've nothing to lose, in any case_ , she mused. Taking a deep breath, she plowed forward, cutting off A'san's attempt to protest.

"Moreta, you're the expert on the area, so you're required. Leri, you want to do something active to help, so you should go. But Holth isn't strong enough to carry two passengers and the bottles of serum, so a second dragon should take some of the burden, which is where A'san comes in." Her dark eyes were resolute. "We're living in a time that divides people into the selfish and the selfless," she continued, hoping she had correctly predicted what to say as the last straw to convince the Fort Weyrwoman. "I didn't think, Moreta, that you were in the same camp as M'tani and Tolocamp."

Moreta's face told Nerilka the ploy had been a success. Leri, however, still had something to say. "Rill, have you been helping with the vaccinations at Ruatha?" When Rill and A'san both nodded, Leri pressed her point. "You should come, too, then. I have an idea. Speak with me over here."

_**Fort Weyr, 2.18.1573, Interval** _

Rill hadn't spoken aloud, until now, just what Leri had told her in confidence. But it was time.

"Moreta, Leri told me Holth wasn't going to make it."

"She knew." Moreta took a minute to process this information. "Wait. She knew. She _knew?!_ She only went to save me?" A fleeting look of confusion crossed her face, before she turned to Orlith with understanding. "Orlith, is that why Leri told Holth to stop talking to me that afternoon?"

Orlith's eyes were calm. Dragon's memories were spotty for details, but Orlith remembered Leri's last words to her and Holth before they went _between_ for the last time. However, in the way of dragons, she answered only the question her rider had asked.

_Yes, that is why._

Moreta, wise in the ways of dragons after so many Turns as Weyrwoman, knew there was something else behind Orlith's statement, and pressed her on it. "Orlith, what else did Leri say to you?"

_Leri said she and Holth were too weak to make all the jumps. She said not to tell you, or you would be upset again. I do not like it when you are upset._

Moreta leaned her head against Orlith's warm side, hiding tears.

_Leri said you would be upset, and you_ are _upset._ Orlith sounded almost smug.

Moreta sat back up and gave a small sobbing laugh. "Leri was a wise woman." A'san wrapped his arms around Moreta, pulling her close.

Rill came over and joined in the hug. "I'm sorry I never told you. I had assumed you had figured it out in all these Turns. Leri knew exactly what she was doing the whole time."

"I think the Ballad of Leri's Last Ride might need a new verse now," A'san remarked.

"Just think," said Moreta, breaking away from the embrace and wiping her face. "It might have been the Ballad of Moreta's Ride all this time. That's the fate I escaped." She smiled. "See, Orlith? Talking with A'san and Rill solved my worries, just like I said."

The great gold dragon's eyes whirled purple with fondness for her rider. _They are good for you_ , Orlith said. After a pause, she added, with great wisdom for a dragon, _And I am good for you. Leri and Holth let me be good for you for a long, long time. See? Do not worry. I am alive. You should be alive, too_ _._

Moreta relayed Orlith's sentiments to the others and smiled. "Yes, dear heart," she said aloud to Orlith while reaching over to scratch her eye ridges, "you are right, of course. There's no reason to be upset anymore." Orlith rumbled, pleased with herself for calming her rider and for being right all along. Subath made a low noise of agreement from across the weyr. Moreta looked over at A'san and Rill, love mixed with relief in her eyes. "No matter what might have been, we are together and alive. That's enough."


End file.
